Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Word I Need is The Word That Was...

When you are not feeling well, not up to par, what do you do?

Lately, I find that my normal outlets are not working.

I am finding that the words I need to console me are words that are gone. I wonder what my father would think of my life, what he would give me for advice. What would he tell me today?

I have been yearning for the company of my father, a man who never really got to know the man that I am, and the man I still yearn to be. As I celebrate my "birth"day today, I wonder how he really felt when he saw me born into the cold world. As I was born, the nation was laying to rest a fallen President. What was the emotion like? The words I need to hear are words far gone. All that is left is what I carry inside my mind, heart and soul. I want to just cry. Do you ever just want to cry?

I did a presentation last week, and as I spoke about a castle building project my father taught me for a high school (freshman year) project, I found my mind racing. I had not really thought about the emotion of that project between my father and I until I was standing before a room full of people. It was not the place to talk about my Dad in great length, but more of a bridge to another passion of mine; mentoring.

I ended up having to turn the presentation over to a co-worker of mine, who I warned that I would do this if I lost my way. I had time to regroup. As she spoke, I got my mind together, and prayed that I could pull this whole thing together and finish. I literally felt like my job, and the job of those around me, were on the line if I did not get my act together. The word I need is the word that was, and I had to do this alone. I finished the presentation with success, and it was echoed by the comments of others. My job was done, and the decisions or reactions of this presentation will not make themselves known for many months. I am hopeful.

The words I need are far gone conversations. I am the only one that can relive them, I am the only one that can speak inside myself, but no one answers. My inner voice has no reply because the words I need to hear cannot be heard, they can only be remembered, and that comes with misplaced emotion; it is not enough for me.

The Universe declared a moment of silence and all I want to do is scream. I have looked to God a lot today, and I feel his presence, but I am not hearing the words I need to hear. I guess I have nothing to fear if my father is near; even if it is silent. I have to trust in his guidance even though I am not what one would call "religious." I am Christian, for sure.

The word I need is the word that was...and maybe that is a gift I am not recognizing correctly. At least I have the memories. I think of the Littles in my program who do not ever ever ever get the words they need. I shouldn't complain. I should feel lucky, but I yearn for the words that I need; the words that were.

Tomorrow is a new day...I will look toward tomorrow with hope.

Saturday, November 22, 2008

A "MEME" Tag

I never heard of a "MeMe" until I was recently tagged by Megin to do one, so here it goes!

Here are the rules: Someone tags me, I write and link back to them. I then tag other people, and they link back to me as well. At the end of the day, we know more about each other then we did when we started.

So here are "5 moments (or memories of moments) that I love" meme:

1. The room is still with only the light of the moon coming through the blinds. I am sitting next to the crib of my daughter looking at her beautiful face as she sleeps the night away. I wonder how I could have helped make something so perfect. As I touch her little cheek, she takes in a big breath of air, as if a sigh, and exhales, moving her mouth just so, and keeps her little face toward the soft blanket. I whisper, "Daddy loves you more than you will ever know." Her mouth seems to form a slight smile. I loved that moment.

2. It has been a long day, nothing has gone right. A friend calls, the day has gone all wrong for her, too. We decide to go out for a late snack and we talk. And talk. And talk. Nothing was resolved. As we are leaving, she gets into my backseat to avoid the torrent of rain. It was meant to be a quick stop until the rain got lighter. I in the front, she in the back, we end up laughing so much we have to try to ignore each other, which we can't. Our stomachs hurt, and we both wish the rain would lighten, but yet, this moment has been the best part of the day. I love that moment.

3. My kids have their friends over and we play "Us Trivia;" where we ask questions about ourselves that the others in the room should know. There is laughter. More laughter. And even more laughter. I love that moment.

4. I can't sleep, and it is a snowy or rainy night. I sit on the couch that overlooks the picture window of the totally darkened living room. I put on a light blanket or afghan, and I gaze out the window to watch the rain fall onto the bushes, the road, whatever. When it is snowing, I can see the icicles form on the individual stems of the bushes. Everything is shiny, glazed over. Slow motion of life as I sit an watch. It is a peaceful roar. I love that moment.

5. I am in bed and I awaken, but it seems like my body hasn't. I feel like I am floating. I feel like my soul is out of my body and taking in the serenity of life. It is a strange feeling, but I like it. I wonder if I am dreaming, but yet, I know I am not. I feel totally free. I love that moment.

Bonus Moment:
Walking along the ocean with the wind blowing all around me. The roar of the winds and water make me feel powerful; rejuvenating my soul and spirit. I love that moment.