Saturday, December 13, 2008

Mass of Dots

Life is like a mass of dots, isn’t it? You look around at what is going on in your life and all you have is dots. One dot for each item. Like a bullet point on your list of life.

• Call Mom
• Go to the store
• Put up your Christmas Tree
• Prepare the agendas for your meetings next week
• Search the stack of newspapers for the Honor Roll with your daughter’s name
• Begin to get your attitude in gear for the fundraiser of the year
• Get the holiday music together
• Review the missing items in your database
• Remember to get those holiday cards out
• Try and find some money for your mentoring programs
• Get in the holiday spirit
• Buy a real shovel
• Take the bottles to the redemption center
• Pay the bills
• Do another blog
• Really put your office together
• Get the crap off the stairs that has been growing for weeks
• Send thank you cards for the birthday thoughts/gifts
• Get those empty cans off the car floor
• Stop thinking about dead relatives so frequently
• Be happy; others have it far worse
• Put in request for time off during the holidays
• Log in those poor Pez that have patiently been waiting
• Did you even think of the chocolate season yet?

And so the list goes on and on and on…and I realize that the huge mass of dots in my life seem out there on their own, waiting for me to pick them. I hear a sort of “Pick Me!” … “No, Pick Me!” … “Umm, Hello, Pick MEEE!” … in my head. I look at the dots and sometimes I just go sit down to contemplate my next choice; my next dot. Then, out of the blue, an emotion takes over me and I get up, almost in a rage, to do a random thing. I get it done with a lot of effort and forced speed.

As I contemplate my next dot in the mass in front of me, I realize that doing that one thing led me to do the next natural thing because I was already moving. As I sit and revel in my success, I realize I completed more than one or two dots.

The Christmas Tree is up. And to get the Christmas Tree up, I had to move the newspapers, so before I did that, I searched them for the clippings I needed. I also had to get the holiday music on, because you can’t decorate a tree without the music, and this put me in the mood for the holiday season. And while I was hauling things around, I took time to clear the crap at the bottom of the stairs and on the stairs. I hung the stockings on the doors.

I am thinking about dead relatives.

12 hours or so later, I am looking at my tree. It is ok. I begin to think about my dead relatives again. How Dad never saw my daughter, never saw my tree, and never got to share anything at all with her. Last night, as I hung the only ornament made by my father on my tree, it made me pause for a moment with a big gulp. I am wondering why that moment was something to pause about.

As I brought the empty holiday boxes to the basement, I saw my Uncle’s wooden baskets he used to make and give out on Christmas Eve. How we miss him and how appreciated he felt with those baskets. We would cheer when the basket was unwrapped! We all wanted one.

I think of how a friend, who was like a second father to me, would be laughing…over the stupidest things, but I knew he would support me in laughter. When I was unsure, I would look to him in confidence because I knew he would be there supporting me with a smile, a laugh, or both. He appreciated my every thought, sometimes adding to it in fun.

As I sat there, and as dramatic as it sounds, a single tear came down my cheek, followed by a smile. I realized that the mass of dots around me provide me with the joy of connecting them. And without my dead relatives memories, I couldn't proceed to make my own memories. And those lone dots in that mass are there for a reason, and they are for connecting. Connecting our past, our present, and our future.

As the season approaches that we celebrate our religion, our families, and our successes, just remember that we are all dots and we need to continue to connect those dots. This is what makes life worth living. Dots never stop. Dots provide meaning. Dots provide growth. Dots provide understanding.

Just a random thought I had today…why I am sharing? I have no idea. What are your dots? How do you find they connect themselves in wonderous ways?

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