Tuesday, November 25, 2008

The Word I Need is The Word That Was...

When you are not feeling well, not up to par, what do you do?

Lately, I find that my normal outlets are not working.

I am finding that the words I need to console me are words that are gone. I wonder what my father would think of my life, what he would give me for advice. What would he tell me today?

I have been yearning for the company of my father, a man who never really got to know the man that I am, and the man I still yearn to be. As I celebrate my "birth"day today, I wonder how he really felt when he saw me born into the cold world. As I was born, the nation was laying to rest a fallen President. What was the emotion like? The words I need to hear are words far gone. All that is left is what I carry inside my mind, heart and soul. I want to just cry. Do you ever just want to cry?

I did a presentation last week, and as I spoke about a castle building project my father taught me for a high school (freshman year) project, I found my mind racing. I had not really thought about the emotion of that project between my father and I until I was standing before a room full of people. It was not the place to talk about my Dad in great length, but more of a bridge to another passion of mine; mentoring.

I ended up having to turn the presentation over to a co-worker of mine, who I warned that I would do this if I lost my way. I had time to regroup. As she spoke, I got my mind together, and prayed that I could pull this whole thing together and finish. I literally felt like my job, and the job of those around me, were on the line if I did not get my act together. The word I need is the word that was, and I had to do this alone. I finished the presentation with success, and it was echoed by the comments of others. My job was done, and the decisions or reactions of this presentation will not make themselves known for many months. I am hopeful.

The words I need are far gone conversations. I am the only one that can relive them, I am the only one that can speak inside myself, but no one answers. My inner voice has no reply because the words I need to hear cannot be heard, they can only be remembered, and that comes with misplaced emotion; it is not enough for me.

The Universe declared a moment of silence and all I want to do is scream. I have looked to God a lot today, and I feel his presence, but I am not hearing the words I need to hear. I guess I have nothing to fear if my father is near; even if it is silent. I have to trust in his guidance even though I am not what one would call "religious." I am Christian, for sure.

The word I need is the word that was...and maybe that is a gift I am not recognizing correctly. At least I have the memories. I think of the Littles in my program who do not ever ever ever get the words they need. I shouldn't complain. I should feel lucky, but I yearn for the words that I need; the words that were.

Tomorrow is a new day...I will look toward tomorrow with hope.


Meg said...

1. Spectacularly written.
2. I have felt much of this.
3. Word on the street is that you knocked the ball clear out of the park last week. It was amazing to hear the recap.

Happy Birthday.

Pearl said...

It's a lot of pressure to put on self to reconstruct what was. Intense waves of memories come sometimes. It's hard for me to decide when it happens if its more of a gift or punishment. Catharsis or reintegration of past with present.

Take care of your days and ma your next year be full of what you need and bonus material of the good sort.

Meg said...

I lost your x365 address during the great blog reader crash of 2008. Can I have it again?