Tuesday, August 26, 2008
I was surprised to get a few comments from people saying they had come to "The Pez Man Speaks..." and there was nothing; and for a long time. Well, truth be told, I have been a bit preoccupied with my own reflections; my own "internal mechanism." I have literally been in "shut down mode," but trying to act like I am really "Full steam ahead." It has not been fun nor pretty.
My emotions have been so flippant. Coming off my thoughts of "enchantment," this has been a hard time. I have been facing some inner demons or sorts, as well as life changes. I have had to face these happenings and still maintain my current coping skills. It has not been fun nor pretty.
A long time neighbor passed away suddenly. When I went to the evening wake, my good friend was showing me how good her mother looked. I went along with it because it was certainly awkward. But when she began to shake the coffin just enough to see things moving around, I grabbed her hand and told her to please stop. She said that her mother looked so good that she just wanted her to wake up. My friend broke down, I hugged her, and I am still not over that moment. She cried into my shoulder, and I gave her my best words of comfort. But there are no words to describe the grief I absorbed from my friend in that hug.
And today, I found that another neighbor, who is just a bit older than me in age, died today. He passed suddenly as well. I got the call from a neighbor, who said they could not locate my mother to tell her. I got the job of calling her on her cell phone to give her the news. When I told her, the phone got quiet and she said, "You know he is not much older than you, Ron, he is the exact age as your brother. This is just awful."
Did I mention that life has not been fun or pretty lately?
So reflecting in the moment is what I am doing. I have been fighting on some private security issues within myself concerning work, and the first break came today when a voice told me that I was "off the hook." I wanted to cry, but all I could mutter was "ok." I then changed the subject on a current work issue, but those words were a huge relief. But I am not really "off the hook."
The dominoes have already fallen, and now I have to work to replace them. I have been ill over this, and my body has suffered. When I am full of anxiety, my body has real reactions. But two things stick out in my head as I reflect. One, I think God put a co-worker near me when I had to face what began the anxiety. This co-worker understood, and empathized, and "talked me down from the edge," if you will allow me the drama of those words. I certainly was not myself at that moment, but I tried to remain calm and professional. I did not do so well with the professionalism, but my co-worker made me feel "real." Two, the words of another co-worker ring in my head, even though I know I should not take anything serious into it. "Ron, do you think maybe you should go see your doctor and get some medication? Maybe you should be on medication with how you feel. It would be alright, you know." I reflect on this with a single word, "Wow!" I have been actually struggling with myself over this. Should I? Is she right? Blah blah blah.
In my life, I have always worked hard to be "real." It has not been easy, and I have reached an honesty that I feel many NEVER achieve. I have gone through trials and tribulations, that many just push aside. I have helped others to help me learn more about people, life, our society. I have tried to always look in another direction instead of just straight ahead. I have always tried to increase my own personal development, organization, and respect; all without medication. I have become "me" without prozac, valium, or any other medication. And I share all my knowledge with those who want to listen. Not to out-shine or over power, but to share and share and share.
So I have some issues. Who doesn't. But should I be punished for them, or put on medication for them? Maybe. But in the end, I was real. Real with my emotions, real with my thoughts, and real with words.
So as I reflect on life these days, I am tired, but I have learned the following:
1. Be Real because today could be your last day on this earth.
2. Tell people who help you "Thanks" or "thanks for being you."
3. If you have an issue, it is yours. Own it. Learn from it. Do your best.
4. Be professional no matter what! And if you falter, apologize.
5. Wake up each morning knowing that you have gifts; share them.
6. Keep moving despite the pain, the anxiety, or the pressure. Sitting down keeps you down. Just keep on keepin' on!
7. Keep reflecting because it helps you learn and heal.
AND THE BIGGEST THING I HAVE LEARNED: Life is a mirror, and will reflect back to the thinker what he thinks into it.
I will try to write more, promise.